I shall string you along no further. Hello and welcome to Strictly for Science. It has probably been a few minutes since you entrusted me with your personal contact information and whatever information was to come, so please allow me, your humble (I assume this is how many of my close confidants would describe me) author, to reintroduce myself.
I am Gracie. You may know me from life—or maybe TikTok—or maybe Instagram. I am 26. I live in NYC’s West Village. My favorite color is blue (specifically a cornflower hue). I love poodles and shopping second-hand on Poshmark. I am a Scorpio Sun, Aquarius Moon, Libra Rising. I work full-time as AIR’s Social Media Manager (plz follow our accounts to help me look good). What else is there to know?
Today, I am writing to you from the porch of my cousin’s grandfather’s condo in San Juan. It is stunning and argues why I should permanently live somewhere warm, by the ocean.
Nancy Carrol
Looking at the calendar, you may notice we have some significant events this evening—the Super Bowl and Euphoria’s more important new episode. But if you can hold onto your anticipation, please join me in looking at a more pressing, forthcoming event—Valentine’s Day.
Gone are the days of joyfully sharing cards, bought in bulk at the grocery store, among everyone you knew. Today, in the harsh reality of adulthood, a sentimental handwritten note paired with a sweet treat is rare—especially of the romantic sort.
It is exciting to like someone. It is exciting to have a crush. But, it is even more exciting to have someone like you back (hello? anyone out there?). So, with love in the air and Baby Cupid shooting his arrows, now is the prime opportunity to take action and ask someone to be yours; however, old reliable methods may not work, so may I present you with my ten top highly scientific suggestions on how to ask one to be your Valentine in 2022.
Myrna Dell, Bill Dana and Steve Allen
Ten Highly Scientific Suggestions on How to Ask Someone to be Your Valentine in 2022:
Make a TikTok using the “bitches come and go” sound, singing to a picture of them, to signal you’re here to stay.
Have you recently contracted Covid? Tell Track-and-Trace that you were in contact with your crush and ask if when they call them to notify them of a potential Covid infection, they also say that you “like-like them.”
Add your nosiest, most gossipy mutual connection to your Instagram Close Friends story. Post a story saying you hope that ________ will be your Valentine. Then wait for it to work its magic.
Actually, just add them directly to your Close Friends story and post the same story to minimize any errors/delays in communication.
Do they frequent Casablanca? If so, ask Fabrizio to tell them, “Nah, I can’t let you in right now. Wait over there, but so-and-so (insert your name here) wants to know if you’ll be their Valentine.”
Swipe on Hinge—or Raya—or Bumble—or Lox Club—or, god forbid, Tinder—until you find their profile. Send them a Like with the message, “crazy seeing you here. what are your vday plans?”.
Send them a heart-shaped Williamsburg Pizza with “wanna fuck?” piped on in ricotta. A conversation heart of the modern-day.
Take out a personal ad in The Drunken Canal stating “WANTED:” proceed by a detailed description of the person. Beg Gutes to see that they get a copy.
More of the athletic sort? Add them on Strava and map out your daily run in a path across lower Manhattan that spells our “BE MINE.”
Send them flowers and chocolate. An age-old classic that never fails. But, make sure both are allergen-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, ethically sourced, local, and sustainable.
Let me know if you test any of these out and how they work. Happy Valentine’s Day darling.
Gracie x
Flowers and chocolates it the way to go. No girl could ever say no to that!